people say the darndest things
We’ve noticed that the off-the-cuff comments we get about Delphine from people who don’t know us well tend to fall into one of two categories: absolute ignorance, or thoughtless rudeness.
Absolute Ignorance, for example, includes the following:
1) We go to a restaurant with our tiny newborn wrapped in a Baby Björn. The waiter notices the baby, looks befuddled for a moment, and then asks, “Dinner for two, plus high chair?” What’s obvious to us (the baby is so small she can’t even lift up her head, much less sit in a high chair) is clearly less so to the (presumably childless) waiter.
2) Our (definitely childless) naturopath tells us that her treatments are so easy, “you can do them while breastfeeding.” Oh, sure. If I prop a magazine up just right, I might be able to read while nursing, but usually holding everything in place just so the baby can eat takes all my limbs and attention. Forget about wrapping myself in a soothing towel with aromatic unguents on it — that’s simply way too much trouble.
3) When I’m having trouble booking an appointment with babysitter coverage, the receptionist at the hair salon suggests that I “just bring the little one along.” For an appointment that takes at least an hour? What’s the kiddo going to do all that time — scream while strapped into her stroller?
Thoughtless Rudeness usually takes the form of commentary by strangers directly to the uncomprehending baby. All of it falls under the category of Things You Would Never Say To An Adult:
1) “Hey there, plump cheeks. You haven’t missed too many meals, have you?”
2) “Oh, you’re making such a funny face. Are you filling your pants?”
3) “C’mon, kiddo, gimme a smile. What’s wrong? Don’t you like me?”
There’s also a third category of commentary, generally occurring between us and acquaintances, that might best be described as The Guilt Trip:
1) “Your child seems like she’s having trouble tracking things visually. Have you had her checked out?”
2) “I know you’ve had a lot of post-partum health problems, but me personally, I wouldn’t take pain-relievers and still breastfeed my child.”
3) “Oh, are you planning to breastfeed for a full 12 months?”
4) “We never gave our baby food from a jar.”
5) “Isn’t she crawling yet?”
Most of this, of course, we just laugh off. But sometimes we find ourselves just livid with rage — and then wonder why we take it all so much to heart.
Hey C&C: I was just thinking about you guys and realizing I hadn’t checked out the latest cute pics of Delphine on this site in a while. And whaddayaknow, there’s a darling photo of her in on-a-bearskin-rug pose, hair tousled and adorable, and holding her chin up high like a champ.
Anyway, I was drawn into this post, because at first I wondered if I might fall into one of these categories — as a child-less person who has little experience with kids… I love my friends’ kids and i adore my nephews, but Ken and I just don’t have interest in becoming parents to human children (cats and dogs are where it’s at for us). But of course, I want to be a conscientious and considerate person, so I read your post eagerly to see if I was following proper etiquette.
And holy cow! I’m shocked and appalled at some of the crap you guys have had to hear from parents and childless folks alike! I’m bummed to hear that your friends with kids have been doling out advice that is not only unsolicited, but both hurtful and pretentious. (I’m talking specifically about the last set of comments). I assume (with a cringe), too, that you have heard some of these nastier comments from perfect strangers who think it’s perfectly fine to counsel you on your parenting techniques.
The middle set of comments, I can — unfortunately — hear being said in any number of 60+ aged folks who have raised kids of their own. It’s annoying FOR SURE, but at least not mean-spirited like the last set.
The first set, I have to say I relate to a bit. I wouldn’t know how old a kid should be to use a high chair — seriously, this just isn’t part of my universe. I guess the right thing for the waietr to do would be to ask you how you would prefer to be seated, and how the restaurant could best accommodate you. However, I would never encourage bringing a baby — or any kid under 12 — along to a hair appointment!
Here’s a funny tidbit I thought I’d share: I was in Costa Rica on a coffee farm visit a few weeks ago, and at one of the farms, there was an adorable rottweiler puppy. I was of course drawn to the puppy, and started giving him lots of scratches and belly rubs. Turns out that his owner was the young son of the coffee farmer, and the kid and the puppy sort of followed us along on the tour. The kid was interested in me because I was interested in the dog, so he spoke some halting English to me, and I spoke my broken Spanish, enough for us to communicate that I had a dog, too, and that the kid’s name was Oscar and the puppy was 4 months old and named Bon Bon.
So anyway, then I asked Oscar how old he was, and he told me to guess. Well, here’s where my ignorance comes in: I said, “Five?” And he was totally disgusted with me. After a few back and forth guessing, I deduced that Oscar was in fact, 10 years old. I had had no idea. But I totally insulted him.
The experience — while harmless and I’m sure quickly forgiven and forgotten by Oscar — taught me that I need to be conscientious of how my comments – however innocent I think they are – might be construed by the people I’m talking to.
OK, long comment here! But I’m enjoying your blog, as usual, and just love seeing what a happy and lovely little girl Delphine is growing into. Hope to see you guys sometime soon.
Sarah